Living with grief

Living with the emotional reality that follows separation can be challenging for many men and women. The following points are from a chapter written by Clinical Counsellor Andrew Hacker of The Men's Work Shop in Melbourne (www.mensworkshop.com.au) for a (yet to be published) book for father's.

When important relationships end, we experience an immense sense of loss. Loss of what was, and often most importantly, a loss of our future plans, hopes and dreams. Regardless of what triggers the loss - be it death, or separation or some other cause - we grieve. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any event involving loss. Here's some tips that might help you move through the experience of grief a little easier.

Each of us grieves in our own way, at our own pace. There is no set pattern to how our grief will unfold. Grief is unpredictable. If you can accept this, you can give yourself permission to be all over the place emotionally, and get the time and space you need to heal.
Although life will never be the same as it was before your relationship ended, life will go on, as they say, with or without you. Despite what’s happened you have little choice but to move forward. But move forward one step at a time. No more and no less.
Beware of over-working, it’s easy to bury yourself and ignore the pain. Many men make this mistake when grieving, then feel guilty when they do not perform as well as they have in the past. Do just as much as you have to and no more. Make some time everyday to be alone with your thoughts and feelings.
If your loss occurred some time ago and you don’t think you’ve really dealt with it, go back to it and try to work through it. Unresolved grief can lead to all sorts of difficulties in our lives and in our relationships with others.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings, embrace them. There is a saying that goes something like ‘Don’t flee from pain or run to pleasure, for all things in time will pass’. Your feelings are normal, natural responses to what’s happening, and need to be recognized and expressed safely. If it’s difficult to feel much at all, that’s OK too, but try to get in touch with the feelings from time to time. Try using memory triggers like photo’s or songs.
Eat well, especially when you don’t want to. Try to exercise a bit when you can. Your physical wellbeing will play a role in how well you cope with the emotional roller coaster you're on.
Sleep when you can. If you're not sleeping well, talk to your GP about medication. Be careful how you use medication, but a little now and again to get some rest can help you to cope. The more tired we become, the less able we are able to cope, the more irritable we are, the less clearly we think…
Allow yourself time for the wounds to heal, expect days when you can barely drag yourself from bed, but don’t be afraid to feel okay some of the time as well.
Keep good, reliable friends around you, those you feel comfortable with. If anyone tries to discount your pain (saying things like ‘you’ll get over it’ or ‘it could be worse’ or ‘I wish my wife and kids would leave’) don’t spend time with them, see them as little as possible – they don’t and may never understand what you are going through.
Avoid hiding your pain from others. There is no place in grief for toughness, or macho pride or being brave. Be honest; tell people how you are really feeling. If you’re not coping, let others know and ask for what you need.
Try hard not to blame - either yourself or others. Blaming leads to bitterness and futile anger – regrettably the past cannot be changed. It’s best not to ask how things might have been different, but rather, how you would like things to be from now on.
If you find yourself stuck somewhere in your grief, if the same emotions seem to be triggered time and time again when you think about your loss, or if your feelings are really impacting on your relationships with others or your ability to look after yourself on a day to day basis, talk to a counsellor or a doctor about what’s happening. No one ever died from asking and sometimes a new perspective on things will help you to move on again.

©Andrew Hacker/The Men's Work Shop (Used with permission)

Article by journalist, Katherine Payne.

On the stress indicators of social readjustment, separation and divorce score highly on the stress scale. No wonder the rippling effects of these events are felt for such a considerable time after the initial shock.


Although it cannot be underestimated how difficult it is to “let go” or explain the depth of anguish or confusion that follow this final act, it must also be highlighted that we have choices. We can choose to linger in the overwhelming aftershocks and vainly try to analyse all the emotional debates of ‘why’ or ‘why me’. Or we can choose to gradually let go of this powerful grip and realize that we cannot do anything to change the past; it has happened fairly or unfairly. We have the choice to empower and effect our present and our future. Ultimately divorce is an end of one of the stories in our life – perhaps this is sad, perhaps it is a relief.


But above all other things, this is our life – not our ex’s or our children’s or our well-meaning friends or family. It is a time for discovery or even rediscovery, of exploration and opportunities, of finding a new YOU. Who cares if we are not so young or not so gorgeous as when we started that first story? There are a wealth of opportunities waiting around the corner if we have the courage to seek them out. It is time to write a new story and perhaps one that will be more exciting and fulfilling than we could ever have imagined. Take this time to reinvent yourself; rediscover YOU.


Our time on earth is aptly put into perspective by an anonymous “Motto to live by” which was passed on to me by a dear friend :


“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Woo Hoo – What a ride!”


After living through the tsunami ripples of my own divorce, I am now on that ride! I am discovering many of life’s wonders by travelling. Getting out there helps to socialize again, to put life into perspective and absorb new understandings. Travel need not be expensive or expansive. And if you do not have a travelling companion, travelling alone can be a time of complete freedom as well as a great time to meet people you would normally never have met. There are many wonderfully interesting people of all ages out there on the move and not sitting alone watching the world go by. I once had the privilege of meeting a woman in her 70s travelling the world with her backpack, staying in youth hostels and having the best time of her life. She had divorced in her 50s after raising 5 children, completed a university degree then sought the courage to go travelling on her limited financial resources. In her own way, without her being remotely aware of it, she was an inspiration. Life is what you make of it regardless of what stage you are at.


You don’t need to be an international traveller to get that buzz. Australia has many wonderful locations for new experiences. One of the highlights of my travels has been witnessing and partaking in Indigenous activities in the heart of Arhnem Land or being in awe of Uluru in all its spiritual serenity.


So what’s holding you back …… a weekend away with a short drive from home exploring your neighbourhood, a week away to a new part of Australia or putting that backpack on and heading off to some remote corner of the world.
……………

I am just about to embark on journeys of discovery. I am taking time out of my usual life to absorb the bustling markets of Vietnam sampling the wonderful cuisine of its regions, exploring the archeological remains of Angkor Wat in Cambodia, being a flaneur in elegant Paris, absorbing the spectacular beauty of the Alaskan coastline and the Canadian Rockies or hiking the Tuscan hillsides. I might be on my own but I intend to enjoy every morsel of the adventure.

Marriage And Divorce in Australia

In the last few years Australia has developed online presences to faciliate the marriage and divorce markets in Australia. There are roughly 100,000 marriages and 50,000 divorces every year in Australia and the stats are not moving in the direction we all want.

www.i-do.com.au, Australia's Wedding Directory
www.i-dont.com.au Australia's Divorce Directory

Both are directories whereby businesses who provide services to both markets pay to advertise under an annual fee. i-dont.com.au launched more recently in Australia and there logo is a cupid with an arrow in it's back. Rather fitting for the siutation, don't you think????